The Psychology of Driving

by Mark Wutka

One of these days, I expect the field of Psychology to have a specialty called Autopsychology. While this may cause confusion to those thinking it is the psychology of performing an autopsy, it is really the study of how people act when they get in their cars. If you ever wondered what the phrase "man's inhumanity to man" means, I know I have, just look around the next time you are driving on the freeway. I am quite convinced that if Gandhi had a driver's license he would have been heard to yell "Get out of the road, you cow-eating son of an elephant!" I haven't figured it out yet, but somehow, cars bring out the devil in people. You may not know it, but the government actually trains our State Troopers in performing exorcisms! Of course, the basic technique is just to say "Would you please step out of the car, Sir?" It usually works.

If we aren't careful, though, our driving habits are going to bleed over into the rest of our lives - then we're in real trouble. The day will come when you are wandering through the grocery store and some guy comes running up behind you, then follows you with his cart just 1 inch from your seating area. He'll flash the flashlight he got on aisle 4 at you a few times and then run on by while flipping you the finger. You'll yell "Jerk!" and keep plodding along looking for the jumbo can of Libby's Wax Beans. As you turn down aisle 9, where your favorite potato chips reside, you'll find a guy slowly pushing his cart while performing a major excavation of his left nostril. If you live in California, the fun *REALLY* begins when you grab the last Economy Sized Jug of Aloe Hot Tub Lotion - on sale for just $48.97. The other shopper who was racing you to the spot will pull out his gun and shoot you. Finally, after a long hard day of shopping, you get in the nice long line at the checkout counter. A shady-looking, but enterprising young man will rush up to you as you stop and spray your face with a squirt bottle, another will wipe your face off and they will demand $50 for washing your face. You will fork over the money rather than have them smash your Wonder bread with that fine sack of Idaho potatoes. You shoulda bought the instant ones! The checkout line moves slowly as the people in front of you rubberneck as they try to see what the people in lane 12 are buying. You'll yell violent obscenities at them and urge them to keep moving. As you pay the cashier and the toll-gate at the end of the lane lifts, you hurry off to your car where you think you can relax.

Yes, the field of Autopsychology will require a lot of people one day, mainly because of the high mortality rates involved in research. If you go into this field, you might also want to learn how to perform an exorcism.. and remember - Get Your Kicks On Route 666.

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Mark Wutka
Comments welcome, send mail to mark@wutka.com