BBQ

by Mark Wutka

Tonight, my wife came home from work with bags of groceries containing, among other things, a package of pork spare ribs. Nature's perfect fuel. Despite the fact that it was January and raining, my wife decided that it was a perfect night for a barbecue. I went along with this for three reasons: 1 - We are still newlyweds, 2 - I was quite hungry, and 3 - I understand that women suffering from PMS have been acquitted for cutting up their husbands with a chainsaw and feeding them to the neighborhood cats. My wife thought this was a good idea because 1 - she loves ribs, 2 - she was quite hungry, and 3 - she could stay warm and dry while I cooked the ribs.

My wife made a delicious Caesar salad to go with our meal. We probably seemed like Ozzie and Harriet with her inside fixing the salad and me out there by the grill guarding the meat. A word of warning to any of you single women who plan on getting married - DON'T LET THE MAN BARBECUE! You must understand our nature. We all grow up with a burning passion - a passion for burning, that is. We have all used a magnifying glass to make ants explode, squirted lighter fluid into a pile of burning leaves, and thrown an acetylene torch into the gas tank of our neighbor's blue '73 El Dorado Cadillac. O.k., so maybe *I'm* the only one who did the latter, but you get the point. If you *DO* decide to let the man do the grilling, if it is a rainy January evening, for instance, for goodness sake, DO NOT LET HIM COOK PORK SPARE RIBS. Pork Spare Ribs are a magical substance -- a gift from nature to replace nuclear fusion as the most potent source of heat. I have seriously given thought to using Pork Spare Ribs in my fireplace instead of wood. I tried it once, but it is not a good idea for dog owners. Nobody likes to walk a bald dog through the neighborhood.

My strategy for cooking Pork Spare Ribs is as follows:

  1. Marinate the ribs for 32 minutes in a mixture of A-1 barbecue sauce and mesquite sauce.
  2. 7 minutes before cooking time, light the grill and immediately turn the grill to the "I don't think it's on, do you" setting.
  3. Don your asbestos fire-fighting suit
  4. Quickly place the ribs on the grill
  5. Run like hell
Pork Spare Ribs exhibit a remarkable scientific property known as a chain reaction. As soon as one rib detects a flame within 30 feet, they all immediately burst into flame. I'm told that more experienced cooks keep a squirt bottle near the grill to calm down any flames. The guy who shared my room at the burn unit told me he used a garden hose. I have decided that the next time I cook Pork Spare Ribs, I'm cooking them underwater.

After I managed to scrape the last of the ribs from the grill with my rapidly-melting tongs, I proudly brought my sample of carbon to the dinner table where my wife and I enjoyed a wonderful salad and took turns saying things like "Hey, I think I found a little meat here."

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Mark Wutka
Comments welcome, send mail to mark@wutka.com